I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
