Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.