We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
