YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
