Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
