Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
