He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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