Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Found your dick twin last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
