Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
