I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
