apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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