i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
