How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My penis needs a shock collar
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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