turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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