saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
