I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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