as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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