in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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