just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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