Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
