My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.