I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.