Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
