When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
