My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
