New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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