Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i am craving dick and cupcakes
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize