i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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