Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
