At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I have fence marks all over my body
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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