his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
