Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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