I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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