the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
