i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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