Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
