He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
