Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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