I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
