you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
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Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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