DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
