Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
