The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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