Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Send help, water and tortillas.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Two words: nipple clamps
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