ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Randomize
