On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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