We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
