Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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