Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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