Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
