I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
