Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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