Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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