I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
