I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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