I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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