I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
