Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
