she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
