i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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