shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
